That's Some Scary Shit!

 I was ranting to my colleague/fellow soundtrack-enthusiast/friend about something - I can't remember what. Actually, I think it was about how another colleague, who I really don't know, tried to make a stupid joke at my expense, whilst I was tired, overworked and fucking hungry. NOTE TO EVERYONE: Don't approach me when I'm hungry, unless you're presenting me with food, because I will ignore your stupid banter, and I will roar at you. KMT. Anyway, in the heat of the rant I must've gotten all bog-eyed, which prompted her to gawk at me saying, "if I didn't know you, you'd scare me." I'm not gonna lie, I was offended. I don't think I'm scary. I mean - I don't think I look scary. Plus side, the comment got me thinking about what scares me. Here's my top - and to my knowledge, only - 5:


5) OSTRICHES

They're not the most ferocious, but rah, they can run. Years ago I watched When Animals Attack, with my big bro - his idea of course - and there was a clip of an ostrich running after a jeep and pecking at the passengers. From that moment, I knew I hated them, hated them a lot. And when Kevin Hart did  a skit about them, I didn't feel like such a weirdo. Someone else feels the same *EXHALE* I just can't get over their proportions: teeny-weeny heads on long-arse skinny necks springing from big, round, feathery bodies, sitting on dangly legs - URGH. For those of you who don't know about their Bolt-like skills, check this out:

"Run, Forest. Run!"

4) MUSCLES

Ay! This ain't sexy. It really isn't sexy. Whenever a dude is hench, anything he holds in his hands looks super small. Imagine him holding a backpack, a can of Coke, a pocket diary, or even a lollipop. Their proportions start to look fucked up as well (am I obsessed with proportions?). Especially their arms. They end up looking really short, ending at their hips. Nah, I can't handle it...all those veins...a massive neck! This dude is clearly a bodybuilder, so it's his profession. But I'd rather have a scrawny baker for husband than this dude.


 3) CAPYBARAS

THE BIGGEST RODENTS IN THE WORLD. I found it very disturbing searching for a picture of this...this...thing. I actually might go and throw up in a second. You lot might not think it's anything to be scared about, but...ummm, you obviously haven't seen recorded footage of it. It's not right! It's not right! Rats shouldn't be that big. I'm preparing myself for when I visit Brazil. I have a feeling I'll accidently come across one. I don't wanna write about it anymore.


 2) PRISON

I don't EVER want to end up in prison. I've watched too many prison films. I've cried watching too many prison films. Shawshank Redemption, The Green Mile, Sleepers, and has anyone seen the Korean flick Sympathy for Lady Vengeance? Some nasty business happens in the prison scene. Even Life with Eddie Murphy and Martin Lawrence had sad undertones. 

I don't think I've ever done anything illegal, and I don't intend to, so I should be okay as...long as no one stitches me up (that would take the piss). My fear grew worse when I watched a certain episode of The Boondocks:

I don't fear anal rape, per se, I just fear anything that could happen to me in prison. I have a small frame, no upper body strength, and I don't like physical violence. BUT WAIT! I can run. If I have to, I can run really really fast. Although, that probably won't help me in prison. I figure there wouldn't be many places to run to *SIGHS*

 DRUM ROLL PLEASE.....

 1) HUMAN-TESTING-RESULTING-IN-ZOMBIE-APOCALYPSE

Think 28 Days Later and (somewhat) Resident Evil. My theory is: YOU FUCK WITH NATURE, AND NATURE WILL FUCK WITH YOU. Stop all of this I AM GOD business, trying to engineer "new" life. I hope people don't become zombies, but I think it's very likely. And I really hope I'm not around to see it happen. I won't have patience for people who'd act all stupid and selfish during an apocalypse. Imagine it! They'd be some fool who'd try to save themselves by throwing a baby in front of a zombie parade or something. Cold-blooded! I've watched too many zombie films to not know how to survive, and avoid idiot people. Cha!