Ja'maican Me Laugh

I'M BACK...AGAIN...AGAIN. There are a few reasons why I've been absent. You know, life is like a box of chocolates, and sometimes you get a great assortment you're familiar with, like a Quality Street box, or a shitty one that you've never heard of that was given to you by a family member, that contains Turkish Delight, and you've hated every variety of Turkish Delight that you've ever tried, and you pick up a sweet without knowing it's Turkish Delight, and you shove it into your gob, and almost throw up when you realise it's Turkish Delight. Does that make sense? Well, my life has been like that. I know it sounds a bit grim, but it's not - most of the time.

Anyway, on my way home from work today I had a grand ol' chuckle. Why? Because a chatty Jamaican man tried to chat me up. I'll set the scene. The dude looked like a cross between:

Vybz Kartel

Elephant Man



?

See the common features here? Drowsy eyes! Except for the last guy. I just added him because he's wearing a silly string vest, a silly weed emblem, and a silly gesture. KMT. I couldn't take him seriously, such as silly cliche. Now, I don't want to cuss anyone, but all I'll say is, my eyes can't comfortably absorb Mr. Vybz's and Sir Elephant's appearance.

Back to this guy and his wooing strategy. "Excuse me Miss Natural. Can I ask you a question?" WTF! Miss Natural? You don't know how "natural" I am. I was wearing an oversized woolen coat. I could have fake boobs under it, a pig's heart, or a prosthetic leg. Of course he was referring to how I wear my hair *SIGH* Every now and again, some fool tries to use it as part of his pick-up line. Apparently, it means that I'm down to earth, comfortable with what God has given me, a "real woman", and it even signifies that I am a woman of "virtue". But this guy took it one step further. Following me, he announced, "Can I talk to you for a second? I just wanted to compliment you on your natural hair. It's so rare to see women wearing their hair like you do. It is only when a woman wears her hair in its natural state that a man and woman can really be open with each other, and know each other." Seriously? Dude must think that he's Buddha, trying to step to me like that. It didn't flatter me at all. Flamboyant, preachy and an unnecessary thing to come out of a stranger's mouth. He obviously wanted to make an impression.

He caught up with me and when I faced him, my teeth clenched my bottom lip. I wanted to laugh. Out loud. In his face. Not because of his face (well, a little bit), but because he had this smug expression, and I knew he was about to annoy the shit out of me. He bombarded me with compliments: "You look after yourself well", "You're a good person inside", "You look like a smart and confident woman", "I know you work hard, don't let anyone distract you from what you need to do", and so forth. I didn't hear many of them because I was still trying to stop myself from laughing in his face. I know I could've walked away, but I was intrigued at how MUCH he liked to talk *HUFF* Now...I'm fully aware that I talk an awful lot, but if a guy is trying to date me/court me/attract me/whatever, and talks more than me, then I'm not interested. Nope. 

So this guy showered me with grand guru affirmations, and I waited for him to spit out the wretch'ed question, "Can I have your number, please? I want to get to know you better." 

   "FUCK OFF - NO WAY!" Is what I could've said to him, but I didn't, 'cause I can be polite sometimes. "No. Because I'm not going to call you, so there's no point." I didn't want to give him false hope.

    He responded, "I'll give you my number then."

     I wasn't going to back down, so I repeated, "I'm not going to call you." He was warned, but continued to insist. I typed his number into my phone and deleted it when I got home.

He said a lot of other crap about his four kids by different women, about the fact that he's 40 frigging years old, about how wise he's grown over the last few years, about he's eldest son being five years younger than me, BLAH BLAH BLAH. Did I mention that he tried to chat me up in my local Tesco Express around two years ago? Must be fate...